an [open] letter to my dad…
**disclaimer** – This is a letter that I wrote to express what I have been feeling. I do not believe that you can communicate with the dead, or anything of that nature. So please don’t read to much theology into this letter. Thanks!
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Tuesday, October 6th – 1:06 AM
Dear Dad,
The truth is I should have wrote this letter years ago. I’m not sure why I didn’t. I guess I thought I’d have more time. I told myself that I’d do it “someday” – but I don’t think I ever knew when that day would be. In few hours I’m going to get in my car and drive to your funeral. Wow, that’s weird. I know it’s been a long time since we’ve spoke, and allot’s changed in my life. You won’t believe what happened the last ten years. I grew up – allot. So many things have happened in my life, I’m not even sure where to start.
First, I graduated college – I can’t believe it either. Second, I got into graduate school – finishing that will be another story. Third, I’m married now, for almost two years now. I have the most amazing wife, she is beyond words. I wish you could have met her. She is one of the most loving people I have ever met. We live in Dallas now, she is a pediatrician (and a really good one) – and I am a minister. Yah, that’s right, a minister. Can you believe that? I work at a church, go to seminary (graduate school), and get to speak to students about who God created them to be. I can’t believe it either. I would have never thought God would want to use a guy like me, but He did – wild stuff. I’m beyond humbled that I get to do what I do, and that I have the life I have. Its beyond humbling to me. It’s hard to tell you everything that has happened in the last ten years, but those are some of the highlights.
Dad, I have to say when I heard you passed away this weekend I wasn’t really sure if I was going to go to your funeral. I mean when you and mom divorced it seems like you sort of forget about us. I never got a birthday card, a phone call, an email – nothing. Same goes for your other kids. (my brothers). I’m not sure you have any idea what it is like being the oldest of four brothers, and trying to find a way to explain why their dad just seemingly forget about them. How could you do that to your kids? You are the only father we had. Who do you think I called when I graduated college? Or had questions about life? Or when I was getting married? I had no one to call! I always hear my wife getting to talk to her dad about important life events (tests, interviews, etc) and I always wish I had someone who called me, and asked me how my test, or interview went. I wish you called me and asked how my seminary is going. (it’s hard by the way). I can’t understand how you could do that to us. Did you ever wonder where I was? Did you wonder if I had gotten married, or what I went on to do in life? Did you care? Perhaps you did, but you just didn’t know what to say. I can understand.
I have racked my brain the last few nights trying to think about our last conversation, but I have had no luck. I’m not sure what the last words I ever heard you say were, or when the last time you ever said “I love you, son” to me. Those are the things that are the hardest for me. I know I wasn’t the best kid either – in fact I was pretty bad. There are so many things I want to tell you I am sorry about. I’m also very sorry for never trying to contact you, to be honest I didn’t even know where you were. Dad, I wish I could go back years ago, as a teenager, before the divorce, and do something about the drinking. I’ve seen first hand the effects of alcohol on a marriage, on a family, and on a life. I know you were hooked. I’ve seen you cry before because of it. I’ve seen mom cry before because you couldn’t stop. I remember you trying to go to rehab as a little kid, and to AA, but that didn’t work for you. That alcohol was bad news for you. You used to say some pretty mean stuff when you drinking that stuff. That’s my last memories of you. That makes me sad. I wish there was something I could have done to show you what the stuff was going to do to you, and to your family years down the road. I know you never thought it was going to do all of this.
Dad, one of my biggest regrets is that I never shared with you what has changed my life. The Gospel message. I was trying to think back to a time when you went to church with us, but I can’t. That makes me sad. Why didn’t you ever come to church with us on Sunday’s? Why did you just make mom sit there at church with all four of us boys, while you stayed at home and drank? How do you think that made mom feel? I have no idea where you stand before God. I have no idea if anyone ever shared the Gospel with you. If you ever responded. Dad, I know life was hard for you, but despite it all – you were created by God. He loves you, and He really wanted to make something of your life. It didn’t matter that you were 57 years old, God still wanted to redeem your life. To give you freedom from the alcohol – He could have! Dad, I know I was mad at you, but I don’t want you to go to hell. I want you to have a relationship with God. I don’t think I can ever remember you smiling or laughing when you weren’t drunk – you had no joy. God could have given you a deep down joy. He really could have. Dad, I hope in the depths of my heart that you had a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. Dad, I forgive you for the years of hurt and pain. I just want to know you.
I don’t have all bad memories. I do have some good memories of you – in-between the times you were drunk. I remember the Christmas you bought us that basketball game, that was fun. And when you bought us the nintendo, and we played duck-hunt, and Mario – that was a big surprise. I also remember going to Big Bend as a kid, and to thousand trails – that was fun. Not to mention all the six-flags trips. I remember working with you at your hot dog stand, and making so-cones also – that was fun also. Every memory of you isn’t bad – in fact I try to only hold on to the good ones. That’s how I want to remember you.
Dad, thanks for providing for us as kids. For the school clothes, and the home, and the times you would bring home candy from the story. I miss you, and I love you. I am sorry things turned out the way the did. I forgive you, and humbly ask that you’ll forgive me. I know your life wasn’t easy, I really do. I know your heart harbored pain so deep that I will never know. I’m sorry that I added to some of that pain. I’m sorry for the way I treated you. I never thought the next time I saw you, it would be at your funeral. You really never know, do you? Dad, I love you. I really do. And so does God, He wants to fill that pain in your heart with joy. Dad, I hope we’ll get to see each other again one day. I really do.
Now I’m going to sleep, and I’ll wake up in a few hours and drive to your funeral. What an eerie feeling. Goodbye dad. I wish we could have hugged one last time.
I love you.
Your Son,
Rick
That was deeply moving Rick, thank you for having the courage to share it. Love and God bless from Joy/
thank you so much, I'm glad you found it moving.
Praying with you my friend.
thank you so much for your prayers today!
I think we could write a book together on this one!
I am going to write out my journal about my recent trip to Fiji, which was to re-define my memories of my Dad (who suffered a Gambling addiction)… how many Boys in the ministries you have been involved in would benefit from a resource on how to walk the journey of forgiving their Dads???
Bless you for sharing this Rick, and I am praying for you!
Bless you heaps and if you would like a bit more of my story to know that you are not alone in this (I asked many of the same questions about my Dad and Jesus)… Just let me know!
Al
Al,
I think many men could write books on these sorts of stories. . It's been eye opening how many men have wrote me about the relationship they have with their dad after I wrote this.
Thank you SO MUCH for your prayers today, they were effective. God gave me a deep, inner peace to face today!
I'd enjoy hearing some more of your story – feel free to email me at rick [at] rickwsmith [dot] com
Blessing and thanks so much!
Your transparency is appreciated. God's given you the life He has for a reason, and I'll pray He even uses this moment to impact someone else. Thanks for being bold!
Gabe,
thanks so much – your comments are always encouraging.
You have a wonderful way of writing, Thank you so much for sharing your story.
really? I wish you would tell my seminary prof's what you just told me!
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
love you man.
Rick-
Thank you for your openness and transparency in sharing this letter with the world. I type this with tears streaming down my face…tears that hurt for you over the intense physical and emotional abandonment that you are dealing with…and tears that spring from my own father-wound.
I am going to share your story with the men that I have the privilege of walking with with the prayer that it helps them get in touch with their own deep woundedness in order to see their desperate need for the Perfect Daddy that calls them His beloved sons.
Praying for you, Rick!
Traylor
wow! I'm glad you could find the story "useful" – please let me know how it goes!
Far to many men in the church have issues like this to deal with. We need to come around them, and help them walk through this.
Sorry for your loss, bro. I'll be praying the God of all comfort can come and walk with you through this time.
Peace to you and yours.
Thank you SO much for your prayers – they were effective today!
Rick; Thank you for sharing your story with us. I was deeply moved and can relate to what you were saying. I was abandoned by both parents at a young age and even though I had opportunity to share with them, they just didnt care about what I had to say. I wasnt the best kid either but it was for attention which I never got anyway. Today cont…
Rick, I am praying for you. I have not had contact with my father for over 10 years now. I know one day I will find myself in your shoes. Thank you for sharing this most deep hurt…it has made me realize that I am not guaranteed time to set things right. Maybe they will never be right but I should at least do my part. Thank you for opening your heart to the ministry God has given you…and not just your ministry to kids but to those of us who know what it is like to be left behind by a parent. I am praying God's comfort and peace for you. Rebecca
Today , they are still alive and they know the truth but they chose not to know their own daughter. I honor them for bringing me into the world and even went to their 60 Anniversary to share in their happiness but they dont ask how I'm doing . They dont know where I live or even know what I do for a living. I gve them my 1st book that I wrote at their Anniversary and they were surprised. They have my # and email address but dont respond to my inquirys. So I can relate to your letter…Cont
Mary,
thanks so much for your kind words
what can i say? i cried a little when i read this, reminds me of my own dad who passed away 5 years ago. not much drama there but there were so many things that were not said between us.
letter. I pray that your experiences turn into a positive impact on kids who are going through the same thing. My Pastor stepped up to the plate for me and Im treated like a daughter who is loved and accepted. It is an important part of the healing process to have a mentor,so, may you be given many along the journey. Thanks again for sharing your experiences and Remember, God knows your heart, forgives, and that He loves you, deeply. He is FATHER! In His Love and Care, Mary
wow, Mary thanks for sharing a little of your story as well. I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with. Keep praying for them, and for the relationship – God really is a God of healing!
I'm thankful for you taking the time time write out what you did.
Please keep me posted on your life and ministry!
thanks for sharing and for trusting in God. it's encouraging. Prayers and thoughts are with you, your brothers, and the rest of your family today.
Thank you so much for your prayers today – they were effective! God really gave me a deep peace today!
I hope everyone reads this and takes assessment. I am blessed that I wrote a similar letter about 10 years ago after a terrible childhood and not speaking or seeing my dad for 8 years. It took me 8 years because it wasn't my responsibility to write it, to reach out. He was in the wrong, he had hurt me and his family. But it was as if Christ already was beginning to work on me (I wasn't a believer though I knew the drill) and this was a first step in understanding sacrifice and forgiveness.
Thank you Rick for your transparency.
Dads, love your kids.
Kids, forgive your dads.
Michael,
Thanks so much for sharing! Your story is powerful!
Thanks SO MUCH for your prayers today – they were effective!
Thanks for sharing, Rick & I'm so sorry for your loss. Your raw pain made me cry, too… it still stuns me how much a father's absence can hurt.
And thanks for reminding us that we never really know when the last time is the "last time."
Dawn,
thanks for the comment, and for your friendship! – I hope you are doing well!
Thank you. I pray for fresh and new healing for you and your family.
Thanks so much for your prayers! They were effective – God gave me a deep peace today as I walked through this!
I know that Dad and I'll be at his funeral with the same feelings too. Being abandoned by an earthly Dad makes it difficult to follow a Godly Father. Yet when I accepted God as my Daddy and let go of the abandonment from my earthly Dad, I knew true love. Accepting God as my Father gave me my heart's desire–to feel unconditionally loved, to be accepted for who I am, to be forgiven for my mistakes and to be loved as a child. Though earth Dad was flawed and I learned to forgive him, God Dad has given the meaning and value and direction to my life. Earth dad still torments me-sending me birthday cards that read "I'll pray for for your pathetic soul" and alienating me from siblings. It's who he is-and I continue to pray for release of his strongholds. I have a Father, God, and I am not abandoned in His love. Blessings Rick!
Thank you so much for all you do and for your ministry on twitter! Your words are so kind and encouraging. I don't we don't "know" each other in "real" life – but your tweets and verses are always so timely!
Please keep them up!
Thank you also for sharing some of your story! You are a picture of God's grace!
We're siblings of God…even share the same last name! Does this mean I'm invited to Thanksgiving dinner??? Have a blessed week. Christine
Thank you so much for all you do and for your ministry on twitter! Your words are so kind and encouraging. I don't we don't "know" each other in "real" life – but your tweets and verses are always so timely!
Rick -Sorry for the pain & good way to get it all out. Your regret is a call to action for others. At my father’s funeral, the mnister shared he was getting back in contact with his estranged sister. May the Holy Spirit comfort you as only He can. My heart goes out to you.
nothing but love rick! i had no idea. i have some fond memories of your dad. give your family my best. give your mom a big hug from me. my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Hey man – thanks so much for your prayers today. I was always thankful for your family, and the love and grace they showed to us as we were growing up.
Your dad was one of the first examples of Godly manhood (next to my grandpa, and a few others) – I love you bro – I'd love to connect some time soon! (for real!)
[...] years. Alcohol had wrecked his dad’s life and the lives of his family. My friend posted this letter on his blog, and I spent some time reading over it. Sad and [...]
Thanks for sharing – I think many men can relate to this very thing.
that was rally touching. . thank you fro sharing
Thank you so much for taking the time to read it.
Simply Superb!
Thank you so much.
Thanks for writing this Rick. Again, I'm so sorry. If I stopped calling my dad, I would not hear from him or know anything about his life. I hardly know anything now. He hasn't even heard about our recent loss. I have thought about writing my dad a letter for a long time. I have written him before, but I haven't for quite some time. Thanks again Rick.
Rex,
Thanks so much for your friendship man – I wish parents knew how much their actions effect their children. We need to make it our life long mission as we minister to students and parents to help families understand the impact of a family on a child.
Isn't the grace, and peace that God provides to us in these times amazing? I don't know how an unbeliever does it.
Love you man.
wow! That is truly amazing!
Rick,
Thanks for sharing this. Malia and I will keep you in our prayers tonight.
Regards,
Matt
OK, I have stopped blubbering like a baby. I'll man up.
Rick, I can feel the pain because I too had a father that was an alchoholic. A working drunk. He destroyed his liver and passed away. And one other thing: I only saw him 2 times in my life. Once for a few hours, the other time for a day.
When you struggle to think of things that you remember that were good, don't forget the goodness of him being around. My dad left us when I was 3 months and my brother 1 1/2. All those years, no contact. No trips hunting or fishing or to the zoo or merely time at the table. And it makes me wonder how much I lost … the years it took me to learn to be a man. My brother had even more pressure, I believe.
Yes, I know…. you also had him putting a foot through the TV, screaming at your mom, being an angry man, or simply abandoning you and not being there for you, even though he was in the house. (I need to be more thankful that the Lord spared me from those bad influences).
When I think about how God gifts us, I think of what he brings into our lives and what he takes away. You and I had poor fathers. Our sonship was less than what it could have been. Others have crazy mothers, psychotic brothers, missing limbs, or mental troubles. I think that God can gift us even through these dreadful situations because his power is shown in weakness.
THanks for sharing that publicly. God bless,
JJ